Sometimes I still feel like a kid...

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a room of people you respect a lot? You feel awed, somewhat inadequate, and never on par with where those people are at. You instantly think you could never do whatever it is that they do. I still feel that way much of the time. When it comes to my plans to pursue the ministry, I feel like that all the time. I look at my Dad and Joel, the things they do, and think to myself, "I could never do that." "I'm not creative enough or I don't know enough yet."

Yet, all throughout my life, whether it be teachers, pastors, whoever... I've been told how gifted they think I am and how much I'm capable of doing. I think sometimes I'm well aware of what I'm capable of, and yet that knowledge freezes me on the spot. How do I use that potential? It used to be, "Do I go into the ministry, do I pursue music more diligently, do I write more often and try to be an author?" Then, I stop. I just root myself in place and tell myself that if I can't decide, I'll just exist for a while. That's never gotten me anywhere.

So, what's my solution to that dilemma? I do them all. One day at a time, I put my efforts towards getting good at all the things that I ever wanted to be god at. That's all I can do. And while I enjoy it, there's always a bit of stress involved. Practice takes time, marriage takes time, providing takes time, pursuing a relationship with God takes time, and what am I left with? Certainly not time. I think that's why my times at night are so precious to me. It's the only time I can be by myself and process where I'm at.

I know God has great things in store. What they are, I have no idea. I would love to do something with Church in Uptown more heavily eventually. But I also want to be open to go wherever I'm needed. I think, however, that, Like my father before me, I'm not a short term type of person. I want to be able to give my life and calling to a place. To a body of people. Not for a year or two like an average pastor, but for 25 years like my Dad did in Fargo. I think that's how I'm wired. We'll see. I'm just trying to keep my head above water most of the time. But admitting that is the first step to moving forward.