Failures...

These last 2 weeks have been rough for me, for whatever reason. I think every holiday season is like this for me. It's supposed to a time to spend with family and give gifts, yes. But the real reason, at least as far as my faith is concerned, is to remember what Jesus did for us, and to remember the wonder of His birth.

In retrospect, however, I got so busy that I barely spent any time at all pondering those things. I forgot to pray, to read the Word, and most of all, I just let some things creep back in on me that never should have. I want so badly to keep the wheels of success turning in my life, and yet, I have been reminded of how absolutely frail I am without my Saviour.

It got me thinking about the blood. In the Bible, the blood was referred to in the Old Testament by way of the sacrificial lamb. In the New Testament, it was the blood of Christ, which washes clean all of our sin. I was thinking in church yesterday about how to switch my mindset from one which seeks to justify my actions through Scripture, to one that seeks out the Scripture for advice on how to live rightly. How do I not take the blood of Christ for granted? Then, it dawned on me that in order to keep my mindset going in the right direction, I have to remember that it was His blood that cleansed my sins. His blood. I think I get so preoccupied with the "work out your salvation with fear and trembling" part, which has often meant "don't judge me, I feel like the Scripture tells me I ca do this," that I forget that Christ gave His own life and blood, literally, to set me free from sin.

If I don't keep that in mind, I tend to let the selfish, self-serving side creep in and take over. It alleviates whatever sense of obligation I have to Christ, because it takes Him and His sacrifice out of the equation. It allows me to justify, or ignore, my own actions through a set of words, and not work out my life through relationship with Christ.

I guess perhaps that was what this Christmas was for. To remind me that I need to remind myself of what Christ did for us, in general, and me, in specific.

Sometimes I still feel like a kid...

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a room of people you respect a lot? You feel awed, somewhat inadequate, and never on par with where those people are at. You instantly think you could never do whatever it is that they do. I still feel that way much of the time. When it comes to my plans to pursue the ministry, I feel like that all the time. I look at my Dad and Joel, the things they do, and think to myself, "I could never do that." "I'm not creative enough or I don't know enough yet."

Yet, all throughout my life, whether it be teachers, pastors, whoever... I've been told how gifted they think I am and how much I'm capable of doing. I think sometimes I'm well aware of what I'm capable of, and yet that knowledge freezes me on the spot. How do I use that potential? It used to be, "Do I go into the ministry, do I pursue music more diligently, do I write more often and try to be an author?" Then, I stop. I just root myself in place and tell myself that if I can't decide, I'll just exist for a while. That's never gotten me anywhere.

So, what's my solution to that dilemma? I do them all. One day at a time, I put my efforts towards getting good at all the things that I ever wanted to be god at. That's all I can do. And while I enjoy it, there's always a bit of stress involved. Practice takes time, marriage takes time, providing takes time, pursuing a relationship with God takes time, and what am I left with? Certainly not time. I think that's why my times at night are so precious to me. It's the only time I can be by myself and process where I'm at.

I know God has great things in store. What they are, I have no idea. I would love to do something with Church in Uptown more heavily eventually. But I also want to be open to go wherever I'm needed. I think, however, that, Like my father before me, I'm not a short term type of person. I want to be able to give my life and calling to a place. To a body of people. Not for a year or two like an average pastor, but for 25 years like my Dad did in Fargo. I think that's how I'm wired. We'll see. I'm just trying to keep my head above water most of the time. But admitting that is the first step to moving forward.

Tonight, I'm feeling rather disjointed. Church today was really great. Having holiday snacks with great friends and new acquaintances, a great message, and Joel's vision for the new direction of our church. Somewhere in the middle of all that, I was talking with Ethan about how life has been, and it hit me as the words were leaving my mouth. I have been so busy that I haven't taken any time to enjoy my life of late. I wake up, shower, go to work, come home, hang with the wifey for a few hours, then go to bed. Next day, the same. I may switch things up by hanging with a friend or hitting the Beat, but really, I can't tell you much of what's happened the last week or two.

I'm finding that thought t be rather disturbing. I should be praying and reading my Bible more, not out of obligation, but out of wanting to know God better. I should be spending quality time with my wife, the best person to ever walk into my life, not just waiting until bed time. I should be thinking more about what I'm doing, in general. I should, I should, I should.

But do I? Not really. I'm by no means in a state of guilt over this. I'm just realizing that two weeks can turn into fifty years pretty easily. I don't want to wake up one day and not remember anything special. I don't want to wake up and realize that I let time pass by without getting closer to God, my wife, my family, my friends. I get so focused on working and paying the bills that everything else falls to the wayside. I want to think more and enjoy more. New Years resolution anyone?

Another Thought...

Fact and Truth are not the same thing. Many facts are not even truly provable. Take gravity, for instance. We know that every time we drop something, it will fall to the ground. It happens every time. Can we SEE gravity? Can we TOUCH gravity? No. Truth is similar, but different. Gravity exists on earth, but not on Mars. Does truth exist on Mars? Not yet. But if people were there, it would. Truth exists wherever people exist. That we should love one another is truth. That we shouldn't murder is truth. There are other truths, more obscure, but nonetheless potent. While some may dispute the factual nature of the Bible, that doesn't make its Truth any less true. If we could prove every single facet of the Bible factually, what need would we have of faith? Faith believes in what we cannot see with our own eyes, but confirms the truth in our hearts. I believe that the Bible is Truth, whether the facts support it or not. God, being sovereign, had to have known how we would progress in knowledge, so He also made it so that knowledge couldn't stand alone. There has to be understanding, as well. This is just something that occurred to me after a few hours away from my last post.

Confrontation

In the last few weeks, I've had several encounters with people who, to my assumption, seemed to be trying to talk me out of my beliefs. Not just defend them, but turn away. One, in particular, was raised Christian, with a Christian family and fairly healthy church. He became a doctor of sorts and in taking that route steadily has convinced himself that science and religion cannot coexist.

I happen to disagree wholeheartedly. It all depends, however, on how literal you take some of the Old Testament to be. As I've gotten older, certain things have occurred to me that have softened my stance towards other views. For instance, do I believe that we started with two literal people named Adam and Eve, and a snake convinced them to eat from a tree that can make you aware of good and evil. I don't know. Maybe not. I do believe that whether evolution or strict creationism happened, it makes no difference to the point of the story. At some point, in the beginning, sin was introduced to Man, and God began the journey of aligning history towards Christ, as our atonement for sin. The Pentateuch (or the first five books of the Bible) sets the arc of themes for the rest of the Bible. It begins the story of redemption through Jesus Christ, looking to the end days. Whether dinosaurs existed or the earth is fifteen billion years old makes no difference to my faith. Facts are nice, but the Bible is more than a set of stories. It is THE story.

Another point made was how we came to recognize the canon as the authoritative Word of God. Originally, there were known to be at least 8 complete Gospel accounts, including Mary and Judas. How come we settled on only four? I don't have the exact answer for that, though we do have many historical records of that conference of decision. Okay, so that may be true, but if I am to believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God, spoken by God through men, am I then to believe that God's intervention in that work ended the day those books were written? Wouldn't it make more sense that He had as much influence over the choice of the canon as He did in the writing?

As for literal interpretation, I can see sense. Do I believe every single story of the Old Testament was factually accurate? Probably not. These were stories passed down through generations by word of mouth for years before they were ever recorded. So, I can see that there is probably a good mix of fact and, not fiction, but mythology in them. Does that change the point of the stories, however? No!

If people cannot read the Bible as much with their hearts as with their literal minds, then the point is lost. It says that in the Bible is everything we need for "life and godliness." Whether something is fact, to me, is secondary to the overarching point. It still points out the sovereignty of God, the fall of Man, redemption and salvation through Christ Jesus, a code for moral life, grace, forgiveness and the rest. The point is the most potent part.