You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
Every now and again, this slight conflict happens in my heart when I'm in the midst of worshipping God. The music is playing beautifully, the chorus stirs me, and I belt out words to God. But then, I seem to hesitate and think about what I'm saying. The thought occurs to me that I might not mean everything I'm saying. No, let me rephrase that. It's not that I don't mean it. I WANT to mean it. And yet, the ever-present struggle between who I want to be in Christ, and who I feel that I truly am seems to weigh me down. So, how do I move forward? When I was younger, worship was my favorite. It was so easy to just step right in and lose myself in God's presence, but as I've gotten older, I realize the gravity of the presence of God and it sometimes frightens me. When I was a young worship leader, the gifts God gave me were an easy well to draw on, because I hadn't yet discovered how to feel the weight of sin in my own life. I sinned. I just wasn't as conscious of it. And yet, being older and wiser, I think I've come to understand grace the more. The fact that God allows me to be in His presence, and even uses that time to direct my heart more fully in Hid direction, humbles me to the point of hesitation. I find myself to be a complicated, jumbled mess of emotions in His presence. I want to dive in, to exalt in Him, to give Him everything He's worthy of, and yet I want to run away, weighed down by my own feelings of inadequacy. I often feel the part of a younger Peter, wanting more of God, but blundering my way along, seemingly hitting every trap set for me along the way. And yet, just as often, I am reminded that Jesus called Peter the cornerstone of His church. Could it be that even in my inadequacy and doubt, God can use those hidden reserves set aside in my heart and soul to minister? I so very much hope so. All I seem to want lately is to find more ways to serve and to be active in His service. Not to my credit, though. To His. That He could use what seems to be a clumsy, broken vessel and make it pure day by day is a miracle that only Grace could explain.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
God, if you can hear, can you help me and my friends?
We've been driving all night into dead ends.
We just wanna find our own way home again.
We knew you as kids but lost you in smokey bars.
We lost you in the boom of lowered cars -
in parties that grew into the yard
God, if you can hear, as the sun is creeping down,
Could you kindly point me right out of town?
Honestly I'm sick and tired of falling down.
We knew you'd be here in the fray of darkest nights,
and the sad and holy glow of tv light,
in the blood and the bruise of back-alley fights.
So we're totally deprived,
buried alive
I couldn't help myself to save my life
Totally deprived
Buried alive
I couldn't help myself to save my life
Totally deprived
"We just wanna find our own way home again." I have loved this band for years, but lately this phrase has been nagging at me. Lately, I'm finding that cry to be changing into "I just need Your help to find my way home again." The cycle of sin and forgiveness and grief over wrongs done is wearing me thin. Yes, we will always find opportunity to struggle, to stumble, to fall, but there are sin patterns in me that I should be able to break myself of. Yet, I keep returning to them. The closest way I know to describe it is that for every one step I take towards Christ, I find a way to make two more back the other direction. How do I turn the tide of that practice? Even if the equation went that for every step away I might take two towards Christ. Or maybe I am doing that, but the steps seem far more hard won than they used to. The things that used to be fun, aren't so much anymore. They may be fun at the very beginning, then are followed hard by regret. And yet, I'm engaged in them before I ever have the thought that maybe this isn't such a great idea.
I simply want to hear God more clearly in my life. To keep me from sinning against Him, and to draw me more fully to Him. These are frightening times, and I can't shake the feeling that God requires more of me today than He did a year ago. Yet, I feel as though I fail at every turn. I suppose that I will just have to keep trying. And that's the quest of the believer.
We've been driving all night into dead ends.
We just wanna find our own way home again.
We knew you as kids but lost you in smokey bars.
We lost you in the boom of lowered cars -
in parties that grew into the yard
God, if you can hear, as the sun is creeping down,
Could you kindly point me right out of town?
Honestly I'm sick and tired of falling down.
We knew you'd be here in the fray of darkest nights,
and the sad and holy glow of tv light,
in the blood and the bruise of back-alley fights.
So we're totally deprived,
buried alive
I couldn't help myself to save my life
Totally deprived
Buried alive
I couldn't help myself to save my life
Totally deprived
"We just wanna find our own way home again." I have loved this band for years, but lately this phrase has been nagging at me. Lately, I'm finding that cry to be changing into "I just need Your help to find my way home again." The cycle of sin and forgiveness and grief over wrongs done is wearing me thin. Yes, we will always find opportunity to struggle, to stumble, to fall, but there are sin patterns in me that I should be able to break myself of. Yet, I keep returning to them. The closest way I know to describe it is that for every one step I take towards Christ, I find a way to make two more back the other direction. How do I turn the tide of that practice? Even if the equation went that for every step away I might take two towards Christ. Or maybe I am doing that, but the steps seem far more hard won than they used to. The things that used to be fun, aren't so much anymore. They may be fun at the very beginning, then are followed hard by regret. And yet, I'm engaged in them before I ever have the thought that maybe this isn't such a great idea.
I simply want to hear God more clearly in my life. To keep me from sinning against Him, and to draw me more fully to Him. These are frightening times, and I can't shake the feeling that God requires more of me today than He did a year ago. Yet, I feel as though I fail at every turn. I suppose that I will just have to keep trying. And that's the quest of the believer.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Grant me strength to try my best. Help me to love more, love often, and love without reservation, as You do. Teach me how to live rightly, and to walk in the same teachings You left as our instruction. I want to know you more, I want to follow You better, and I need to hear You tonight. Amen.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Where Am I Now?
As the holidays have passed, the New Year begun, and I am taking stock of today moving forward, I am attempting to spur myself on to better things. There are the simple pleasures of learning something new (playing bass), reading more, and spending time with my beloved wife. Then, there are the more complicated measures that I am trying to compartmentalize and work on. I'm in the process of trying to finish my schooling for the ministry so that once our bill-paying is done, I can move on to a more full-time ministry commitment. This brings complications, however, as I find that I am frustrated with the process. I get the material, and understand the weight of my studies. But classes being what they are, the process is not going as smoothly as I may like. I am weighing out the current courses I am taking and simply wondering whether to finish my Global University courses instead. This presents me with various problems, such as my view of their material. Will I learn as much through them as I might through the classes I am currently engaged in? I just want to get done with it. I feel as though my stated goal is slipping through my fingers as time whittles away. I simply want to be where God wants me to be, and currently I am finding that to be a multi-layered conundrum. God, may I simply do what is right, and follow You where You lead me.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Charles Haddon Spurgeon
"Continue in prayer." — Colossians 4:2
It is interesting to remark how large a portion of Sacred Writ is occupied with the subject of prayer, either in furnishing examples, enforcing precepts, or pronouncing promises. We scarcely open the Bible before we read, "Then began men to call upon the name of the Lord;" and just as we are about to close the volume, the "Amen" of an earnest supplication meets our ear. Instances are plentiful. Here we find a wrestling Jacob--there a Daniel who prayed three times a day--and a David who with all his heart called upon his God. On the mountain we see Elias; in the dungeon Paul and Silas. We have multitudes of commands, and myriads of promises. What does this teach us, but the sacred importance and necessity of prayer? We may be certain that whatever God has made prominent in His Word, He intended to be conspicuous in our lives. If He has said much about prayer, it is because He knows we have much need of it. So deep are our necessities, that until we are in heaven we must not cease to pray. Dost thou want nothing? Then, I fear thou dost not know thy poverty. Hast thou no mercy to ask of God? Then, may the Lord's mercy show thee thy misery! A prayerless soul is a Christless soul. Prayer is the lisping of the believing infant, the shout of the fighting believer, the requiem of the dying saint falling asleep in Jesus. It is the breath, the watchword, the comfort, the strength, the honour of a Christian. If thou be a child of God, thou wilt seek thy Father's face, and live in thy Father's love. Pray that this year thou mayst be holy, humble, zealous, and patient; have closer communion with Christ, and enter oftener into the banqueting-house of His love. Pray that thou mayst be an example and a blessing unto others, and that thou mayst live more to the glory of thy Master. The motto for this year must be, "Continue in prayer."
It is interesting to remark how large a portion of Sacred Writ is occupied with the subject of prayer, either in furnishing examples, enforcing precepts, or pronouncing promises. We scarcely open the Bible before we read, "Then began men to call upon the name of the Lord;" and just as we are about to close the volume, the "Amen" of an earnest supplication meets our ear. Instances are plentiful. Here we find a wrestling Jacob--there a Daniel who prayed three times a day--and a David who with all his heart called upon his God. On the mountain we see Elias; in the dungeon Paul and Silas. We have multitudes of commands, and myriads of promises. What does this teach us, but the sacred importance and necessity of prayer? We may be certain that whatever God has made prominent in His Word, He intended to be conspicuous in our lives. If He has said much about prayer, it is because He knows we have much need of it. So deep are our necessities, that until we are in heaven we must not cease to pray. Dost thou want nothing? Then, I fear thou dost not know thy poverty. Hast thou no mercy to ask of God? Then, may the Lord's mercy show thee thy misery! A prayerless soul is a Christless soul. Prayer is the lisping of the believing infant, the shout of the fighting believer, the requiem of the dying saint falling asleep in Jesus. It is the breath, the watchword, the comfort, the strength, the honour of a Christian. If thou be a child of God, thou wilt seek thy Father's face, and live in thy Father's love. Pray that this year thou mayst be holy, humble, zealous, and patient; have closer communion with Christ, and enter oftener into the banqueting-house of His love. Pray that thou mayst be an example and a blessing unto others, and that thou mayst live more to the glory of thy Master. The motto for this year must be, "Continue in prayer."
The New Year
This time of year has never really meant a whole lot to me. I was never one to make resolutions and wait to see how long it would be until I broke them. This year, however, feels a bit different. Allow me to explain.
When I was younger, I had no real need to make big changes. I had no dreams or goals to speak of, no wife, nothing that needed real change. Obviously, these last two years or so have found me married, rededicating my life to the Lord, and for the very first time, seeing a way to pay off my debts, start a family and finally get started on the life I've always wanted.
Tonight, after Beck went to bed, and I had some much coveted alone time, I began to think about this concept of making changes. I used to see it as scary or impossible or the like. However, I have recently taken time to write down the things I'd like to change, before I saw them as resolutions.
I figured out that at our current income level, Beck and I could be majorally debt-free in under two years. I wrote our bills, our monthly income (including most random expenses), and then how much extra money we had free and clear a month. I then showed this to Beck and explained how the process would work and how much free money we'd have when our credit cards and loans were paid off and she got as excited as I felt. Especially considering the financial situation our country is in, there's never been a better time to pay off debt and start socking away money. The biggest benefit to doing this is that we would be able to consider starting a family, which, as I am getting older, is becoming a larger issue.
I want to quit smoking. Now, for those of you who know me, this is quite different from what I would have said even one month ago. Before now, it's always been that I NEEDED to quit, for obvious physical and mental health reasons. Now, I WANT to quit, which I hope makes all the difference in the world. For those of you who are addicted to or have been addicted to nicotine, physically or mentally, you know how important this distinction is. For me, it's not only a comfort habit (nicotine can be a calming drug), but it is a physical addiction. Trying to quit in times past, I've become moody, gotten the shakes (nic-fits, for those in the know), and developed severe headaches. I know what this is going to do to me in the coming months, but it's about time, and I mean that. Plus, this figures into paying off debt. At my current calculations, at a pack a day (being 4.25 a pack), and 30 days a month, plus adding in an additional five packs for the times I smoke more, this equals out to $148.75 a month, or $1,785.00 a year. That's about a sixth of our goal in one year. More incentives are definitely a plus. Also, I'd really like to live to get old (which has become a recent fascination, as odd as that sounds).
I intend to read the Bible more. For as well as I know the Bible, having grown up in a pastor's home and trained for the ministry, I find that daily time in the Word is probably the best medicine for a healthy life. I can never know everything it says. Every time I read it, something new comes up, and for me, being the reader that I am, the concept of filling myself with as much of the Word as possible is appealing. This is just going to take time, which if you're over the age of 20 or so, you realize is an increasingly rare commodity.
I want to finish these Bible courses and get my ministerial license. As much as I love being a technician, I would love to be able to make my calling a part of my vocation. That would be nice.
These seem so normal, putting them in writing, and yet, they sum up so much of what fills my mind of late. The life I want is so close I can feel it. So, it's time to put my nose to the grindstone and get some of it accomplished.
When I was younger, I had no real need to make big changes. I had no dreams or goals to speak of, no wife, nothing that needed real change. Obviously, these last two years or so have found me married, rededicating my life to the Lord, and for the very first time, seeing a way to pay off my debts, start a family and finally get started on the life I've always wanted.
Tonight, after Beck went to bed, and I had some much coveted alone time, I began to think about this concept of making changes. I used to see it as scary or impossible or the like. However, I have recently taken time to write down the things I'd like to change, before I saw them as resolutions.
I figured out that at our current income level, Beck and I could be majorally debt-free in under two years. I wrote our bills, our monthly income (including most random expenses), and then how much extra money we had free and clear a month. I then showed this to Beck and explained how the process would work and how much free money we'd have when our credit cards and loans were paid off and she got as excited as I felt. Especially considering the financial situation our country is in, there's never been a better time to pay off debt and start socking away money. The biggest benefit to doing this is that we would be able to consider starting a family, which, as I am getting older, is becoming a larger issue.
I want to quit smoking. Now, for those of you who know me, this is quite different from what I would have said even one month ago. Before now, it's always been that I NEEDED to quit, for obvious physical and mental health reasons. Now, I WANT to quit, which I hope makes all the difference in the world. For those of you who are addicted to or have been addicted to nicotine, physically or mentally, you know how important this distinction is. For me, it's not only a comfort habit (nicotine can be a calming drug), but it is a physical addiction. Trying to quit in times past, I've become moody, gotten the shakes (nic-fits, for those in the know), and developed severe headaches. I know what this is going to do to me in the coming months, but it's about time, and I mean that. Plus, this figures into paying off debt. At my current calculations, at a pack a day (being 4.25 a pack), and 30 days a month, plus adding in an additional five packs for the times I smoke more, this equals out to $148.75 a month, or $1,785.00 a year. That's about a sixth of our goal in one year. More incentives are definitely a plus. Also, I'd really like to live to get old (which has become a recent fascination, as odd as that sounds).
I intend to read the Bible more. For as well as I know the Bible, having grown up in a pastor's home and trained for the ministry, I find that daily time in the Word is probably the best medicine for a healthy life. I can never know everything it says. Every time I read it, something new comes up, and for me, being the reader that I am, the concept of filling myself with as much of the Word as possible is appealing. This is just going to take time, which if you're over the age of 20 or so, you realize is an increasingly rare commodity.
I want to finish these Bible courses and get my ministerial license. As much as I love being a technician, I would love to be able to make my calling a part of my vocation. That would be nice.
These seem so normal, putting them in writing, and yet, they sum up so much of what fills my mind of late. The life I want is so close I can feel it. So, it's time to put my nose to the grindstone and get some of it accomplished.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Failures...
These last 2 weeks have been rough for me, for whatever reason. I think every holiday season is like this for me. It's supposed to a time to spend with family and give gifts, yes. But the real reason, at least as far as my faith is concerned, is to remember what Jesus did for us, and to remember the wonder of His birth.
In retrospect, however, I got so busy that I barely spent any time at all pondering those things. I forgot to pray, to read the Word, and most of all, I just let some things creep back in on me that never should have. I want so badly to keep the wheels of success turning in my life, and yet, I have been reminded of how absolutely frail I am without my Saviour.
It got me thinking about the blood. In the Bible, the blood was referred to in the Old Testament by way of the sacrificial lamb. In the New Testament, it was the blood of Christ, which washes clean all of our sin. I was thinking in church yesterday about how to switch my mindset from one which seeks to justify my actions through Scripture, to one that seeks out the Scripture for advice on how to live rightly. How do I not take the blood of Christ for granted? Then, it dawned on me that in order to keep my mindset going in the right direction, I have to remember that it was His blood that cleansed my sins. His blood. I think I get so preoccupied with the "work out your salvation with fear and trembling" part, which has often meant "don't judge me, I feel like the Scripture tells me I ca do this," that I forget that Christ gave His own life and blood, literally, to set me free from sin.
If I don't keep that in mind, I tend to let the selfish, self-serving side creep in and take over. It alleviates whatever sense of obligation I have to Christ, because it takes Him and His sacrifice out of the equation. It allows me to justify, or ignore, my own actions through a set of words, and not work out my life through relationship with Christ.
I guess perhaps that was what this Christmas was for. To remind me that I need to remind myself of what Christ did for us, in general, and me, in specific.
In retrospect, however, I got so busy that I barely spent any time at all pondering those things. I forgot to pray, to read the Word, and most of all, I just let some things creep back in on me that never should have. I want so badly to keep the wheels of success turning in my life, and yet, I have been reminded of how absolutely frail I am without my Saviour.
It got me thinking about the blood. In the Bible, the blood was referred to in the Old Testament by way of the sacrificial lamb. In the New Testament, it was the blood of Christ, which washes clean all of our sin. I was thinking in church yesterday about how to switch my mindset from one which seeks to justify my actions through Scripture, to one that seeks out the Scripture for advice on how to live rightly. How do I not take the blood of Christ for granted? Then, it dawned on me that in order to keep my mindset going in the right direction, I have to remember that it was His blood that cleansed my sins. His blood. I think I get so preoccupied with the "work out your salvation with fear and trembling" part, which has often meant "don't judge me, I feel like the Scripture tells me I ca do this," that I forget that Christ gave His own life and blood, literally, to set me free from sin.
If I don't keep that in mind, I tend to let the selfish, self-serving side creep in and take over. It alleviates whatever sense of obligation I have to Christ, because it takes Him and His sacrifice out of the equation. It allows me to justify, or ignore, my own actions through a set of words, and not work out my life through relationship with Christ.
I guess perhaps that was what this Christmas was for. To remind me that I need to remind myself of what Christ did for us, in general, and me, in specific.
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